Enough about Tom Brady; I want to know what makes Gisele Bündchen tick

During these times without games to yell and scream about, we in the media are digging deep for topics to yell and scream about.

There are the “best ever” lists, the “worst ever” lists or the “athletic figures you would like to have dinner with” lists.

Honestly, I have no time for the above. They bore me, but I will say this. The one athletic figure I want to have dinner with is Gisele Bündchen. I want to know what makes this mystery woman tick.

And, she is an athletic figure. As a matter of fact, she was a volleyball player until she was discovered by a talent scout while eating a Big Mac in high school. 

She fascinates me, and it has nothing to do with her looks. It’s the way she has built her life and empire that intrigues me. 

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Her net worth outranks her husband's four to one, and if she was a professional athlete, she would be the star player, coach and owner. Combine her ownership stakes in footwear, lingerie, and skin care lines with her Pantene shampoo deal and she delivers a billion dollars in sales, and that's outside of her home country of Brazil. 

It's easy to understand why Tompa is trying to play his wife’s game of tycoon, but he's got a long way to go. I refuse to believe Gisele or anybody on her team came up with Tompa Bay. Not a shot. She is too smart to spit out something as hokey as that. 

So, as we would sit down to our seaweed salad lightly drizzled with a sunflower seed dressing, I would ask her how she did it? How did she go from teenage volleyball player in Brazil to supermodel to super-tycoon?

Were Cindy Crawford and Kathy Ireland role models? Hey, I did my supermodel-tycoon research. Both Crawford and Ireland, before G, used the camera to springboard them to become successful businesswomen.

How does it all work? How many on her legal team? Does she make the final call in regard to everything she does? That certainly seems to be the case. When she was a young and up-and-coming model did she envision herself a successful corporation the way her husband envisioned himself the best quarterback to ever play the game? 

Does her reputation as being difficult bother her or fuel her? Gisele is known to be very business savvy and protective of her business partner. I learned of a situation when she unknowingly posed for a photo in front of a logo of a company that she did not endorse. When she learned of the mishap she had the photo destroyed. Is that being difficult?

I call it being careful.

If she was a man, she would be labeled hard-nosed or tough. As a woman, the B word is thrown around. I would go to war with her anytime. 

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I would ask her about her assumed “easy” ascent to the top of the modeling world. The truth is she was not an instant smash. Yes, after being seen in the right place at the right time chomping on two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, she did receive a modeling contract.

But, like Tompa, she had to prove herself and experienced her share of rejection. But she remained determined and once she hit it big, she never looked back. Holy crap, with these genes, the Brady kids are going to rule the damn world. 

The main course will arrive; herb crusted organic salmon, (no hatchery raised fish for G) with a cauliflower mash with garlic kale side and we move on to her time in New England. 

I’ll tell her that according to my sources, she told her husband there was nothing for her in Boston. Those of us who live here in overpriced colonials with Pottery Barn family rooms, Restoration Hardware living rooms and Ethan Allen dining rooms think this is the greatest place on earth. For us, maybe, but for a Brazilian-raised, internationally-traveled person like Gisele, it may not be. 

New England can be boring. Sorry, I said it.

Apple picking, ski lessons, and "Antiques Roadshow" may not do the trick for someone like G who loves New York City. I think Boston is five times a better place to live than NYC, but I can see why she may not share that opinion. She wants the Met, Central Park, and Fifth Avenue. That ain’t Boston…THANK GOD.

Look, she told her husband "I will give you so many Brookline years and then we need to move on." Marriage is a partnership, and in my eyes G did her share when it comes to the residence angle. This would get me some points with her, maybe enough for her to pick up the tab. Yeah, probably not, but I have buttered her up a bit so I could bring in the hammer. 

“Is it true you swear like a sailor?” 

“And what’s your favorite curse word?”

Then again, the five or six F-bombs she would have dropped at me for saying her husband was guilty of Deflategate would answer that question. Again, if she was a guy, profanity would not be a problem. 

I also ask if she is in love with Tompa the man or the football player? A pessimistic friend of mine predicts she will dump Brady when he retires from football. I don’t think so. Remember when she took that dig at Wes Welker for dropping the ball in the Super Bowl against the Giants in Super Bowl XLVI? She was sticking up for her man! 

How many times have you slammed your partner’s boss or co-worker who makes more than them? How about your 10-year-old’s teammate who missed the open goal in soccer after your little Alex Morgan put the ball right on their foot? What did you have to say about that kid after the doors of your Country-Crossover-Minivan-SUV-Volvo slammed shut before pulling out of the recreation area parking lot? Huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah. I thought so.

Also, why would Gisele dump Tompa after he retires? She is begging the guy to quit. A wife that wants her husband to get the crap kicked out of him at least 16 times a year has either a hit man or divorce attorney on speed dial. Nope, these two are growing old together. Do I believe she runs the ship? You bet. Just like Captain Randi Tanguay runs mine. 

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When the avocado sorbet arrives for dessert, I move onto Tompa Bay. I would act out the following scenario for her as she sips her green tea.

Tompa: Honey, I have some great news. I am not playing in New England anymore.

Gisele: Yeah! (HAND CLAP, HAND CLAP, HAND CLAP) Where are you playing, New York, L.A., Miami? Or Nashville? I love trendy new Nashville, plus we could hang with Keith and Nicole. 

Tompa: No, better. We’re going to Tampa!

Gisele: Huh? I’ve told you you’ve taken too many hits to the head.

I would ask her to rate the authenticity of my performance. Will she be spending most of her time in Miami? That’s just a chopper ride across alligator alley away. Did she have any say in her husband’s decision? 

As the check comes, I will ask her what’s next for the Brady clan. Especially after Tompa retires at 45 as promised. If he doesn’t, check G’s speed dial. 

She would give me some puffy answer like, “Love, life and family blah, blah, blah.” Her eyes however will tell me world domination.

When Tompa calls it a day, his celebrity will fade. As for Gisele, this woman will be kicking ass into her nineties. 

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